


Recipe for success

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: (literally), Aziraphale Has a Vulva (Good Omens), Aziraphale Is Trying (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Innocent (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Mess (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Tease (Good Omens), Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Crack Fic, Creampie, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley.exe has stopped working, M/M, Not ashamed but I probably should be, Sex, Top Aziraphale (Good Omens), Vaginal Sex, bad googling, comedy porn, gratuitious use of porn tropes, more pointless smut, ngk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:27:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: Summary: Comedy crack prompt from a tweet that reads: “Lotta baking going on these days. Here is a tip: if you want to make a cream pie, be sure to include the word ‘recipe’ in your google search.  Otherwise, you may be startled by the results. This has been a public service announcement.”FB Good Omens groups: OMG someone should crack fic this.Me: did somebody say “creampie?” Oops that’s my kink, I’m on it…. Let’s face it, if it’s comedy AND smut, I’m in.So Aziraphale has been Using The Google, and quite likes the look of some of his search results, both culinary and otherwise. In the meantime, Crowley finds the need to send a desperate tweet asking ‘When your best friend/long time crush asks you for a cream pie, what’s the best way to ask “are you asking what I think you’re asking?” without actually revealing what you think he’s asking?’Prepare for smut, because c’mon, this is ME.EDIT: It's sheer coincidence that I wrote this the same week that the Good Omens Lockdown video was released, I've now written 3 cake related fics in a week. Feel free to add this to the Lockdown canon somehow if you wish.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 325
Collections: Crack Fic Comedy Porn





	Recipe for success

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anaeifly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anaeifly/gifts).



Crowley paused scrolling through his phone while he watched Aziraphale in the study of the bookshop, struggling with his ancient computer that he steadfastly refused to upgrade. He’d bought it years ago to do his taxes, but despite never actually getting any newer hardware or software, he’d just *expected* it into doing what he wanted, so it did.  
  
When Crowley told him about first Netscape, Altavista, Ask Jeeves and then later on, Firefox and Google, the angel, if he felt inclined, might occasionally turn on the wretched obsolete old monolith and _expect_ it to be able to conjure up whatever newfangled thing the demon was on about, so it did, much to its surprise. 

They’d been watching some Great British Bake-off and the angel had been taking a singular interest in proceedings, going so far as to putting in an obscenely extravagant order to Lakeland for some rather expensive culinary equipment which now cluttered up the miraculously enlarged kitchen. He was on a mission to recreate some of the delicacies he had lusted over on the programme, and then some. 

Crowley idly wondered if he should just cover himself in whipped cream and chocolate sauce and offer himself up to the angel in an attempt to get noticed where he’d failed in the past. The thought was appealing, but swiftly led his mind down the path of being actually licked by the angel and he couldn’t think those kind of things while in close proximity to him without his jeans becoming distinctly uncomfortable, or having to suddenly feel the urge to cuddle a cushion in his lap until the feeling subsided. 

There were a few attempts, the first few absolutely disastrous, but Crowley had sat politely on the sofa and swallowed down the proffered samples with a strained smile and nods of encouragement while the anxious angel fretted about his pastry skills, or lack thereof so far. He did gradually start to get the knack of more simple recipes, but it was trial and error, especially when he refused to use miracles to ensure perfection. 

Crowley sighed and spoke up.

“You said you’d make a pie hours ago and you’re _still_ looking for a recipe?”

The angel jumped in his seat. He’d quite forgotten that Crowley was still there, having got rather lost in his online search. He stilled, eyes locked on the screen, thinking. He girded his loins and responded at last, wondering how this would go down. 

“I can’t decide what kind of cream pie I want any more.”

Crowley’s eyes widened behind his shades. He suddenly felt extremely hot. He swallowed with difficulty. Sometimes the angel was prone to accidental double entendres. This was just another one, surely? He creaked his jaw open to attempt a clarification. 

“...What do you mean?”

Aziraphale shrugged a little and glanced briefly in the demon’s direction. 

“I’m getting more inclined to one I didn’t expect to find.”

Crowley’s mind whirled. 

“Aziraphale, what, _exactly_ , did you Google for?”

“Cream pie”

“Did you specify the word ‘recipe’ anywhere in that?”

“.... No.”

“I see….” Crowley swallowed again, imagination in overdrive at what must surely be showing up on that screen right now. He carried on, reluctantly. “So, you found some variants that appeal more than others then?”

“Yes, I rather think I did. Is it something you’d like to try perhaps?”

Crowley.exe stopped working. 

Aziraphale looked up sharply over his computer monitor at the demon apparently choking on thin air on the sofa. While the angel was definitely Just Enough Of A Bastard, and had absolutely intended to double entendre his way into Crowley’s underpants given this golden opportunity, he hadn’t expected quite this response. He hoped he hadn’t gone too far. 

“Are you quite alright, dear?”

Crowley spluttered and reached for his wine glass hurriedly, taking a quick gulp and trying to compose himself again. 

“Ngk.”

“Pardon?”

“N…. nothing, Angel, nothing, ‘s fine.” He hurriedly opened twitter and fired off a tweet:  
_‘When your best friend/long time crush asks you for a cream pie, what’s the best way to ask “are you asking what I think you’re asking?” without actually revealing what you think he’s asking?’_

He didn’t, however, get time to wait for any kind of answer before Aziraphale was continuing. 

“Well my culinary adventures thus far haven’t gained more than polite appreciation from you, perhaps this alternative might be more to your… tastes?” The angel asked with a straight face. 

Oh he was _DEFINITELY_ being a bastard now. No doubt about it. Crowley’s cock was rapidly filling into uncomfortable stiffness within the tight confines of his jeans. 

“It’s not like I haven’t noticed the way you look at me while I’m eating, Crowley, like you want to eat _me_.”

“Urk.”

“Quite. So would I be correct in my assumption that your tastes are not so much toward the food as to the consumer of said food?”

Crowley stared at him. The bastard had dropped obtuse and instead gone straight for direct and to the point. He gulped, unable to trust his mouth to form anything even remotely approaching coherent speech at that point.

“Crowley, I’ve known you for thousands of years, I can read you like a book, dear boy; in fact rather better, seeing as you and I have been around longer than the written word itself. I haven’t missed all your hints over the millennia, I’ve just had to ignore them due to our previous circumstances. And to be frank I’m rather tired of ignoring them now, and I’d rather indulge your appetites, and mine, if that’s what you’re truly interested in.”

Crowley’s jaw dropped. He stared at the angel. He reached up slowly and removed his shades, pinning Aziraphale with a direct intense gaze, eyebrows making a determined attempt to launch off the top of his face. He cleared his throat and tried to marshal his thoughts. 

“Aziraphale, what… precisely … are you asking me right now?”

Aziraphale’s eyes slid down to the prominent bulge in the demon’s trousers with a slight smirk on his features.

“Crowley, dear boy. I am asking if you have any interest in having sex with me.”

Crowley blinked. A notable event. 

“You…” he swallowed again. “You… you…. You’re asking me…” he coughed, “... if, if, if… if I want to have … sex... with you?”

“That is quite correct, dearest.”

Crowley let his breath out in a big rush. 

“Fuck yes.”

Aziraphale smirked, stood and stepped closer to Crowley, standing above where he sat on the sofa. “Then where should we start?” Crowley blinked again, mind whirling. He hadn’t quite expected their first time to be anything at all like this. He’d envisaged clichés like dinner, champagne, chocolates, roses, lingerie and silk sheets. Not a scarily horny cherub in a bookshop suggesting porn tropes at him. He hesitated. 

“Aziraphale…” 

The angel was toying with the scarf around Crowley’s neck, he undid it and slid it free slowly, then ran one hand down the demon’s cheek. Crowley’s own hand came up to cover the angel’s and stilled it. He made eye contact and Aziraphale stopped, a brief flash of worry crossed his face. “Are you ok, Crowley? Is this ok? Is this too much?” He suddenly felt rather guilty over his approach. 

Crowley shook his head quickly. “No, no, ‘s fine, really, I just… kind of… I don’t know, sort of wanted to do something all romantic to win you over and you sort of stole a march on me here. ‘S a bit much to take in all at once. Not seen this side of you before, Angel.” 

Aziraphale sat down on the sofa next to Crowley and took his hand gently, holding it in his lap. “I’m sorry darling, I just sort of saw the opportunity and couldn’t let it escape. I think the search results sort of got me rather flustered and excited over the prospect.”

“You and me both, Angel. The idea is definitely rather appealing. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t fantasised about it before…” He smiled and ran a finger down Aziraphale’s cheek and neck, coming to rest on his bow tie, which he tugged at gently. He paused, realising there was a step he rather wanted to take care of first. He gazed at the angel’s soft pink lips, then swayed forward and kissed him deeply, moaning gently into the contact. It was electrifying, and whatever surging insistent lust had taken over the angel was now filling up the demon as well. He pressed closer and his hands began roving over Aziraphale’s soft body urgently. 

Aziraphale in turn was tugging at Crowley’s jacket, shoving it off his shoulders then fumbling at his waistcoat buttons, and then at his own, casting off layers hurriedly, neither of them wanting to break off the kiss for longer than strictly necessary for the purpose of undressing, kicking off shoes, tugging off socks, trousers and underwear in a flustered frenzy of urgent need until Azirpahale was pinning Crowley down on the sofa, straddling him and kissing him passionately, Crowley’s stiff cock swaying between them. 

Crowley looked down in mild surprise, Aziraphale followed his gaze. “Oh, yes, I rather thought I’d like to manifest a vulva for this experience, I hope you don’t mind, dear?”

Crowley gulped and shook his head. “Not at all, Angel, you look gorgeous…” He slid his hand down Aziraphale’s soft body and between his plush thighs, fingers delving between his folds, causing the angel to whimper and his body to jolt in response to the touch. 

“Oh! Crowley, that’s.. that’s… ohhh…” Azirpahale’s words trailed off into a whimper and he ground down on Crowley’s long fingers. Crowley grinned and wriggled his fingers a little, causing Aziraphale to yelp and twitch with pleasured gasps. “I think we need to get somewhere more comfortable dear” he managed after a moment, and snapped his fingers, landing them neatly on the bed upstairs.

“Right, now where were we? Oh yes…” Aziraphale grinned and lifted himself up on his knees, Crowley withdrew his fingers to see what the angel intended, and watched as Aziraphale positioned himself over Crowley’s erect cock with a seductive lick of his lips, then slowly slid himself down onto it as Crowley’s eyes rolled back in his head and his brain checked out entirely. 

Dear _Satan, where_ did the angel learn to ride a cock like that? Crowley had no idea, but he was definitely not complaining, it was mind blowing. The angel was working his hips like a hula dancer, and Crowley felt like he was being milked, which, he supposed, in a way, he was. Given that the angel’s stated purpose was to extract as much cream from him as possible for his newfound desire to experience a creampie, so Crowley felt more than happy to oblige. 

“Oh fuck… Angel..." Crowley groaned, sliding his hands up Aziraphale’s muscular thighs to his soft hips, marvelling at the sight of the gorgeous creature above him, head tipped back in ecstasy as he rode the demon’s cock with such delightful determination, emitting happy little moans of pleasure that sounded rather too much like the noises he made when enjoying the more culinary variety of pie. 

Suddenly the earlier thought of covering himself in chocolate sauce and whipped cream for the angel’s enjoyment was sounding like rather a good idea after all. He filed it away for future consideration, and began flexing his muscles to thrust up into Aziraphale from below, matching his tempo until he felt the angel begin to shudder and gasp. Everything was getting rather tight and wet, then before he knew it, Crowley was coming hard, groaning and shaking his way through a bone-deep orgasm as he pumped come deep inside Aziraphale’s delicious pussy. 

Aziraphale sank down slowly on Crowley, holding him tight and pressing soft kisses into his hot skin. “Oh darling, that was amazing.” Crowley smiled and turned his head to kiss Aziraphale on the lips.

“Creamy enough for you?”

The angel grinned wickedly and raised himself up. “Let’s see shall we?” He slowly slid up and off Crowley’s softening cock, kneeling up still straddling him, knees wide either side of the demon’s slim hips. Crowley watched fascinated, as a glistening droplet of come slid out from those delicate pink folds and fell, landing on his wet cock, which twitched as he took in the amazingly filthy sight. He carried on staring, open mouthed in amazement as Aziraphale moved slightly and another rivulet of cream slipped free and slid down his inner thigh. Crowley didn’t blink as he watched runnels of his spend escaping down the angel’s pale smooth skin, and thought he’d never seen such a beautifully debauched sight in his entire existence. 

“A… Aziraphale?”

“Yes, Crowley?”

“I fucking love you.”

Aziraphale smiled and bent over again to kiss Crowley deeply. “And I love you, you delightfully sexy serpent, and I always have.” He broke off and shifted to lie down next to his demon, wrapping one arm across his chest and squeezing him tight. Crowley tipped his head sideways to grin at his beautiful angel then winked and snapped his fingers. A can of whipped cream appeared in his hand. Aziraphale stared at it, then looked back at Crowley, another wicked smile suffusing his features. “Oh _Crowley…_.” he murmured, and kissed him again, reaching for the can.


End file.
